The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness, but for many families, navigating holiday season child custody arrangements can bring stress and conflict. The Tulsa family law attorneys of Fry & Elder recognize this and have put together the following real-life hypothetical child custody scenario involving Lisa and Tom who share custody of their 10-year-old daughter, Mia. Despite having a court-ordered agreement in place, the holidays have become a battleground for disputes.
Here’s how Lisa and Tom’s challenges unfolded — and how they could have handled things differently.
The Problem
Lisa and Tom’s custody agreement stipulates that they alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving each year. However, this year, Lisa’s family planned a big Christmas trip to a cabin in Colorado, which falls on Tom’s designated holiday. Lisa asked Tom to switch days, but he refused, citing his family’s traditions.
As tensions tensions escalated, communication broke down. Tom insisted on sticking to the child custody agreement, while Lisa accused him of not being flexible. Meanwhile Mia, caught in the middle, felt the strain as her parents argued over her holiday plans.
The Impact on Mia
Mia, who loves spending time with both sides of her family, began dreading the holidays.
- She felt guilty for wanting to join her mother Lisa’s trip to Colorado but didn’t want to disappoint her father Tom who would be staying in Tulsa for Christmas..
- The constant bickering made her anxious, dampening her excitement for the season.
The holidays, instead of being a time of joy, became a source of stress for Mia – stress a 10-year old should not have to endure during the holiday season.
What Went Wrong?
Several issues contributed to the breakdown:
- Rigid Thinking: Both Lisa and Tom prioritized their desires over their daughter Mia’s experience during the holiday season.\.
- Lack of Communication: They didn’t discuss holiday plans until the last minute, leaving no room for compromise.
Both of these above issues, along with past discontent toward one another, failed to prioritize Mia’s needs. The focus, instead, shifted from Mia’s happiness to a power struggle over holiday season child custody agreements.
A Better Approach
The family law attorneys of Fry & Elder believe that both Lisa and Tom could have handled their holiday season child custody agreements during the holiday season better and more effectively.
1. Plan Ahead
If Lisa had brought up the trip earlier, Tom might have been more open to discussing a schedule change. Advance planning allows both parents to adjust expectations and logistics.
2. Mediate Disputes
Instead of escalating the conflict, they could have sought help from a neutral mediator. A mediator or knowledgeable Tulsa family law attorney could guide the discussion, ensuring Mia’s needs stayed at the center.
3. Compromise for the Child’s Benefit
Compromise doesn’t mean losing — it means finding a solution that benefits everyone, particularly during holiday season child custody arrangements. For example:
- Tom could have agreed to let Mia join the cabin trip, provided he got additional time during New Year’s.
- Lisa could have adjusted her trip dates to align with the custody schedule.
4. Communicate Directly and Respectfully
Using co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents could have facilitated clear, documented communication, reducing misunderstandings and emotional outbursts.
5. Focus on Quality Over Quantity
Both parents could remember that holiday magic isn’t tied to a specific date. If Mia celebrated “Christmas” with her father Tom later in December, the love and joy would be just as meaningful.
How Things Turned Around
Eventually, Lisa and Tom realized the toll their conflict was taking on Mia. With help from a family counselor, they renegotiated their holiday plans. This year, Mia would spend Christmas in Colorado with her mother Lisa and return to Tulsa later in the week to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s with her father Tom.
To make up for the lost time, Lisa offered Tom an extra weekend in January. They also agreed to meet every September to review and adjust holiday plans for the coming year.
Mia, seeing her parents working together, felt relieved and excited to enjoy the holidays with both families.
While not all holiday season child custody agreements can work out as well as Lisa and Tom’s initial disagreement, the Tulsa family law attorneys of Fry & Elder encourage you to always keep the best interests of your child in mind